So I just returned, triumphant, from my first appointment with a mental health professional. I think it went well, so well, in fact, I am seeing him again next week. Obviously, with it being our first session, we couldn't get into it too much, but I think we have laid a solid foundation upon which I will stand taller with less reliance on food or sex or other dubious means of outside validation.
He mentioned a book that speaks to the common plight of the gay man, called The Velvet Rage I believe. The crux of it is that as young strait boys, those things which interest them, e.g., sports, girls, etc, are validated by society, but those things which interest young burgeoning homosexuals are not in fact validated society. Thus we fanny bandits spend the rest of our lives seeking validation through other means: becoming the "good son," accumulating lots of things, or achieving body perfection. Ever wonder why gay men typically have better bodies? Question answered.
We also talked about how I like to play my emotional cards close to the vest-- and the problems associated therewith-- and that I shudder at the idea that people find out how insecure and sensitive I am and that I have ::GASP:: emotions like another regular person. Of course, I insist that that is just a dirty, nasty rumor and that those spreading cease and desist the dissemination of said rumor immediately.
Thus hopefully today begins a new journey into something so far unachieved by yours truly: mental health. Or at least more ups then downs. Maybe I won't have to marry Frank Kennedy after all...
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Perilous Pitfalls of Social Media Volume II
Please find below the message mentioned in my previous post:
Hey, [insert my real name here].
Since Tuesday, I've been trying to see where I think things are headed with us. The more I think on it, the more I realize how unsure I am that I want to be in a committed relationship at this point in my life. You're such a great guy (caring, thoughtful, generous, handsome), but I really don't know if I'm the guy for you. We haven't really delved into my past relationships and experiences that much, and in some ways I feel like I haven't been completely honest with you. Up until July of this year, I had never been in anything close to a relationship. Just a few dates here and there. I had only kissed one guy ever, and I'd never been sexual with anyone (yes, I was a virgin up until a few months ago). My lack of experience with the emotions involved with a relationship is what I'm dealing with now. On the one hand, I want someone I can commit to, but on the other hand, I'm so new to relationships and dating that I don't know that I can commit to anyone just yet. This is where I am now, and I feel guilty for not telling you sooner (and even guiltier for not telling you in person and hiding behind Facebook). I'd love to continue being your friend and would love to still hang out, but as for dating and something leading to a committed relationship, I think I need to stay away from that for the time being, at least until I can get my head on straight and really decide what I want for myself. This has really weighed heavy on my heart this week. I hope you can understand and be forgiving. Text or call when you get this so we can talk.
Later,
[insert his real name here]
Hey, [insert my real name here].
Since Tuesday, I've been trying to see where I think things are headed with us. The more I think on it, the more I realize how unsure I am that I want to be in a committed relationship at this point in my life. You're such a great guy (caring, thoughtful, generous, handsome), but I really don't know if I'm the guy for you. We haven't really delved into my past relationships and experiences that much, and in some ways I feel like I haven't been completely honest with you. Up until July of this year, I had never been in anything close to a relationship. Just a few dates here and there. I had only kissed one guy ever, and I'd never been sexual with anyone (yes, I was a virgin up until a few months ago). My lack of experience with the emotions involved with a relationship is what I'm dealing with now. On the one hand, I want someone I can commit to, but on the other hand, I'm so new to relationships and dating that I don't know that I can commit to anyone just yet. This is where I am now, and I feel guilty for not telling you sooner (and even guiltier for not telling you in person and hiding behind Facebook). I'd love to continue being your friend and would love to still hang out, but as for dating and something leading to a committed relationship, I think I need to stay away from that for the time being, at least until I can get my head on straight and really decide what I want for myself. This has really weighed heavy on my heart this week. I hope you can understand and be forgiving. Text or call when you get this so we can talk.
Later,
[insert his real name here]
No Day But Today
So, my suspicions regarding a certain gentleman I have recently been seeing were confirmed Friday night/Saturday morning when I received a message via Facebook informing me that he "just wanted to be friends" and wasn't sure at this time that he was ready to be committed to one person. Now, dear readers, this is the same gentleman who, after two dates, asked about dating one person at a time. I agreed. Clearly, that was a lapse in judgment. He informed me that his relative inexperience with relationships led him to believe that "he wasn't the one for me" and that he just didn't think he could be tied to one person just yet. Well, that's all fine and dandy and the "it's really not you; it's me" would seem less like bullshit if this were the first time this had happened to me since August. That being said, I must say, even though it was cowardly and via Facebook, I appreciate his honesty. My question remains: what the Hell is wrong with me? I hooked up with two gentleman this weekend, both of whom assured me I was a) more attractive than my photos and b) one even dared call me hot and compliment me on my body...even when I had no clothes on. This led to me giggling, of course.
Luckily, I have my first of two appointments this week with a mental health professional. Hopefully, one of them can help me to be less of a hot tranny mess. Only time will tell.
Unfortunately, this lack of luck with men has sent me into an even deeper tailspin, furthering my desire to lay around my apartment and do nothing, which, other than having carnal relations with a couple of people, is exactly what I did all weekend. While I bemoaned my lack of social life, I am not sure that I want to do anything to change it. Right now, all I want to do is sleep, but alas here I sit at work, typing and avoiding billable hours like the plague.
Hope for a post later this afternoon apres the new therapist, but don't expect it.
Luckily, I have my first of two appointments this week with a mental health professional. Hopefully, one of them can help me to be less of a hot tranny mess. Only time will tell.
Unfortunately, this lack of luck with men has sent me into an even deeper tailspin, furthering my desire to lay around my apartment and do nothing, which, other than having carnal relations with a couple of people, is exactly what I did all weekend. While I bemoaned my lack of social life, I am not sure that I want to do anything to change it. Right now, all I want to do is sleep, but alas here I sit at work, typing and avoiding billable hours like the plague.
Hope for a post later this afternoon apres the new therapist, but don't expect it.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
The Crazy Ladies
It has been a hot minute since my last post, for that I truly apologize. The only reason I can give for this is one of my most prominent character defects: unbridled laziness.
Since we last left our heroes, I have spent some time with California after my sister had yet another relapse in her fight against drug and alcohol addiction. But this post isn't about her sojourn, yet again, into the dark waters of rehab. This post is about how I am, as one of my friend's dad puts it: crazy as a boiled shitcake.
After terminating the interaction with the previous gentleman, I promptly started talking to another, whom I met on Grindr. We had an excellent date, followed by another excellent date and numerous text messages. After those two dates, I went off to Cali to hang with mom and dad, where I personally did all in my power to stimulate the American economy by restoring consumer confidence by purchasing a new man bag, J-Brand Jeans and the new iPhone 4. But I digress.
Things were going great with this gentleman and we have had a total of four dates total. He, after our second date, mentioned that he was partial to only dating one person at a time. While this was a foreign concept to me, my thought process behind agreeing before we had even taken the lid of the cookie jar, so to speak, was that one only test drives one car at a time, so perhaps I could only 'test-drive' one man at a time.
Things continued on a true and steady course, until they didn't. I have a feeling that this gentleman has suddenly lost interest in me. Thus we arrive at the title of our post: there are some crazy ladies in my head and I am at the end of my rope, yet again.
It continues to baffle me that men profess to have interest in me, yet after a period of time, they lose it. Why? And more importantly, why does my self-worth seem so irrevocably tied to someone having romantic interest in me?! It seems as though Joan and Scarlett are winning right now with the independent minded Auntie Mamie being shoved aside, probably with a wire hanger. I don't quite understand it. Admittedly I could stand to lose some weight and firm up the old body, but by-and-large, I'm alright. I'm young, have a good job, a good education from an elite school, speak three languages and have a great smile. So, riddle me this, fearless readers: WTF?!?! I am at a total loss for words. It seems that perhaps I am in the throws of a wretched quarter life crisis. Perhaps it is time to regain control of my life and do something. What? I don't know. Perhaps all this craziness is in my head and that nothing is wrong. But my main concern here is this: why, when a boy loses interest in me, does it take so long for me to pick myself up and dust myself off and move on? Clearly something is wrong. I am contemplating completely shutting down and isolating for a while. Perhaps it is time for a renovation of myself; an overhaul to see what is wrong with me and start to trudge the happy road of destiny to self completion. Thus we stand this sunny and ridiculously warm first day of Autumn.
Since we last left our heroes, I have spent some time with California after my sister had yet another relapse in her fight against drug and alcohol addiction. But this post isn't about her sojourn, yet again, into the dark waters of rehab. This post is about how I am, as one of my friend's dad puts it: crazy as a boiled shitcake.
After terminating the interaction with the previous gentleman, I promptly started talking to another, whom I met on Grindr. We had an excellent date, followed by another excellent date and numerous text messages. After those two dates, I went off to Cali to hang with mom and dad, where I personally did all in my power to stimulate the American economy by restoring consumer confidence by purchasing a new man bag, J-Brand Jeans and the new iPhone 4. But I digress.
Things were going great with this gentleman and we have had a total of four dates total. He, after our second date, mentioned that he was partial to only dating one person at a time. While this was a foreign concept to me, my thought process behind agreeing before we had even taken the lid of the cookie jar, so to speak, was that one only test drives one car at a time, so perhaps I could only 'test-drive' one man at a time.
Things continued on a true and steady course, until they didn't. I have a feeling that this gentleman has suddenly lost interest in me. Thus we arrive at the title of our post: there are some crazy ladies in my head and I am at the end of my rope, yet again.
It continues to baffle me that men profess to have interest in me, yet after a period of time, they lose it. Why? And more importantly, why does my self-worth seem so irrevocably tied to someone having romantic interest in me?! It seems as though Joan and Scarlett are winning right now with the independent minded Auntie Mamie being shoved aside, probably with a wire hanger. I don't quite understand it. Admittedly I could stand to lose some weight and firm up the old body, but by-and-large, I'm alright. I'm young, have a good job, a good education from an elite school, speak three languages and have a great smile. So, riddle me this, fearless readers: WTF?!?! I am at a total loss for words. It seems that perhaps I am in the throws of a wretched quarter life crisis. Perhaps it is time to regain control of my life and do something. What? I don't know. Perhaps all this craziness is in my head and that nothing is wrong. But my main concern here is this: why, when a boy loses interest in me, does it take so long for me to pick myself up and dust myself off and move on? Clearly something is wrong. I am contemplating completely shutting down and isolating for a while. Perhaps it is time for a renovation of myself; an overhaul to see what is wrong with me and start to trudge the happy road of destiny to self completion. Thus we stand this sunny and ridiculously warm first day of Autumn.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A follow up to today's post
Some of you may be wondering why I didn't just de-friend him? Well, unfortunately I will run into this gentleman a lot given the size and number of decent homosexual water holes in this city. Thus I do not want to appear to be immature and de-friend him, thus causing awkward, more so that they already will be, social interactions. Woof, my friends, woof.
The Perilous Pitfalls of Social Media Volume I
Furthering my need to distance myself from the gentleman caller with whom I sinned and have thus been thrown from the grand and noble quest towards mental health, I have relinquished control of my social networking sites , i.e., Facebook, to someone so that she can change my password and I cannot log in daily to check on his profile. Why is this necessary? Well, it will stop the hemorrhaging of progress I have made in the last 24 hours towards getting over what was really not a relationship at all to being with. You see, if I maintain control of my Facebook account, I can log-in, and see who he has friended/whose wall he has written on to make sure that either a) I am in fact more attractive or b) lament the fact that I am not. I have even logged out of my app on my iPhone, affectionately known as M'Lynn, so that I cannot sneak into my account. All of this over a boy? Well, yes. I am also attempting to get him on the "No-Fly" list, which is much trickier than you'd imagine. My friend said that this would be an abuse of the system. But don't we want EMOTIONAL terrorists on the no-fly list too? I think so.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
First and Foremost
Having recently encountered some undue emotional problems and given that journaling so pase for the under 30 set, I figured the best way to let it all out and get on with my life as a hip twenty something would be to let it out on the net. Under a pseudonym of course. The trials and tribulations of my normally preppy-chic lifestyle originate from Original Sin. As in, I sinned with a man and now everyone should have to suffer the consequences. But alas, like the ladies who pulled their considerable life forces together to influence me, tomorrow is another day and I will soldier on. Without wire hangers. Life, after all, is a banquet and some poor sons-of-bitches are starving to death and I have no intentions of going hungry...
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